the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
