New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
