turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
