Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
