There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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