when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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