I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
