so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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