Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
