When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
