Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
