Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
