Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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