Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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