are you still at the devil's house?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
