Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
