Your mouth is God's brothel.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
