Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
