a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
