that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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