just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
