I CAN MOONWALK!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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