i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
