Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
