literally had 100 drinks last night.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
