I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
