i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
