help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
