he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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