so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
