I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
