I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
