This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
