the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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