maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
