my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
3 2 1 whiskey
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
