So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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