I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
