Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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