i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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