new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
