Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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