At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
