I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
