even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
