Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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