grandma shit on top of the toilet
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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