I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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