I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
