hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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